Last time, I wrote that I’d made a resolution. I’d put everything in a suitcase and decided to man up. Well, screw the resolution, I’m out of the suitcase.
We all know about purge episodes, and I just passed through a major one. The guilt, the pain of seeing what I really look like, and being honest about it, drove me into remission. Then, I kept thinking about that time my body produced so much estrogen. It was a hard time, with health issues, but I fell in love with certain things.
My arms shrank. Hair disappeared from my forearms. My skin was softer, and there were sexual blessings too. Without talking about the details, I am hetero, but I don’t get it at home. During the time of the hormones, however, I dreamed about being seduced by men.
I miss the effects of whatever was happening to me during that time, and I want them back.
I’ve always loved crossing the gender line, and I wish I could’ve transitioned when I was a teen. I think my life would’ve been better. I would’ve been a pretty girl. All of that could’ve, should’ve, would’ve, doesn’t matter now. I am what I am.
The transgender life beckons me, and I know what I look like. Still, in my dreams I’m the woman I always wanted to be. The lure of satin panties under a half-slip and a tweed skirt is too strong. It’s time to make some changes. It’s time to toss the suitcase and fill up my closet. I’m back, and I contacted a local support group. Other than blog posts, I’ve never talked about this to anyone. I’m afraid of revealing myself to others, but it’s time to let the chips fall, and reinvent my life.
Wish me good luck.
Love, Francine
No comments:
Post a Comment