A Wish from the Past-Self Analysis Continued

I think I was fourteen, when my parents took me on a vacation trip, and we stopped for the night at a motel. I think I struggled with gender issues at the time, although I didn’t know what it was.

As I fell asleep that night, my thoughts were centered on how nice it would be to be a girl. I could dress in frilly clothes, nobody would expect me to be the macho guy my brother was, and I would be the one being asked instead of doing the asking for dates.

I grew up in a time when boys were expected to be aggressive and initiate a relationship. I liked girls, but I was shy, and something just didn’t feel right.

That night, I dreamed my mother gave me something she called a starter kit. Mounted on cardboard, and wrapped in cellophane, she’d given me a bra, panties, slip, pantyhose, makeup, and everything a teenage girl would need. The kit had all the things that would define me as a girl. Mom told me to try it and see if I would like being a girl.

I was elated, but I woke up. Mom was asleep in the other room, and she never showed any signs of being open-minded to the thought of my cross-dressing.

The dream I had that night lives in my memory and begins to stand out as evidence of my gender confusion. I think of that kit today and conclude I don’t have to take it for a test drive. Given the choice I think I would choose to be a woman, but it might be too late now.