A Hell of a Life

By Francine Keller

If you’ve been reading this blog, then you know I’ve been exploring my past in an effort to uncover my gender issues. I’m not sure why I’m doing this now. After all, I’m fifty something, six feet tall, balding, and obese. I’m probably the least likely candidate for sexual reassignment there is. However, my feelings have resurfaced even though I know my bone structure is too large.

What is your definition of hell? Without delving into spiritual issues of faith, My definition is, wanting something bad enough you’d do almost anything to get it, even though getting it, might not be the best choice.

As a pre-teen, (before the Internet) I enjoyed dressing in women’s clothing. I felt sexy as I put on my mother’s bra and pretended to be a girl. My favorite games were make believe, and I wanted to be female.

As a teenager and young adult, I mistook my gender issues for sexual deviance but with the advent of the World Wide Web, I discovered I’m not alone. Still, I’ve struggled throughout my life to be a man and fulfill that role.

Later, I squelched my desires in order to be a good husband. I kept my feelings in the back of mind, cross-dressing in private at every opportunity. Then about three years ago, my wife announced that due to orthopedic health issues, and a lack of desire on her part, she didn’t want to have sex anymore.

It was like a death sentence or forced retirement. I didn’t want to be old, and if anything, my sexual desire had increased. Also, adding to my dilemma, I had been experiencing erectile dysfunction. In my studies since then, I’ve learned this is a symptom of HRT, so maybe my body was telling me something.

I began to explore my transsexual desires and fantasize again, but those old feelings of guilt and deviance crept back in.

It was about this time, that I met a younger woman at work. She latched onto me and the sexual tension we experienced excited the both of us. She later said she was attracted by my kindness and consideration of her feelings. We began to have an affair.

So, I ask you, does that mean I'm not a transsexual?”

Because of my attachment and responsibilities to my family, the relationship ended. It broke my heart to see her get married, especially since she didn’t marry me.

In light of the fact I’ve never told my wife about my cross dressing, gender issues, I’m still surprised I told her about my affair. Then again, I never told my lover either. Still, I wanted to be honest and I asked my wife’s forgiveness.

Now, we stay together for the family and we don’t sleep in the same room. My gender issues have surfaced and I’m left to wonder has my life been a waste? Would it have been richer if, at fourteen, I had pursued my desires to be female? I’ve always felt burdened by the male role of taking the lead, but that’s a subject for another blog.

I hope you find peace in your life, and joy in your choices.