I’m at a crossroads, sort of. I’ve been doing the research lately, keeping my argumentative side in check, and coming up with no answers. Just more questions.
I read a blog post about Estrogen therapy at
crossdreamers the other day. The comments were wide and varied. I enjoyed reading about the experiences of others and began to crave the hormone. Then I realized the symptoms were familiar.
Without going into detail, I suffered from several mysterious illnesses that began about 4 years ago. During that time I learned about my hypertension, an ultrasound revealed a leg clot, and myriad other things made life miserable. I also began to lose fat in some places and put it on in others. My skin felt softer, and my nipples were hypersensitive.
I completely enjoyed kneading my nipples, and stroking my skin, but my penis seemed to shrink. Also, my sex drive had diminished. After reading about some of the effects of HRT the other day, I began to wonder.
I had a theory about an estrogen overdose, but where could it have come from? I hadn’t taken hormones and I was deep in the closet. In my research, I looked for possible natural sources.
No matter how I got it during that time, I decided I wanted more. I can’t explain it. I just liked it. While looking into natural sources, I stumbled upon something I’d heard about before, but never paid much attention. I found the XXY syndrome or Klinefelter’s Syndrome. Simply put, women are born with two X chromosomes, and men have one X and one Y. According to Klinefelter, some people are born with two X chromosomes and one Y.
I looked at those symptoms and started to rearrange my thinking. I began to examine my life and it made sense. The symptoms of XXY are:
- Abnormal body proportions (long legs, short trunk, shoulder equal to hip size)
- -Abnormally large breasts (gynecomastia)
- -Infertility
- -Sexual problems
- -Less than normal amount of pubic, armpit, and facial hair
- Small, firm testicles
- -Tall height
At the risk of appearing like a transgender MTF who claims a bad case of Gender Dysphoria just to get their desires, I marked those symptoms that apply to me. You’ll notice I have all, but two.
I don’t know when I began to imagine myself as a girl, but my father always claimed I had tender feelings. My brother liked the boy’s games. I liked playing make believe. I had trouble with my schoolwork. In first-grade, my girlfriend beat up the boys who picked on me.
During puberty, my breasts developed. I always attributed it to being fat. I quit attending gym class because the boys made fun of my breasts. At night, I gave myself pleasure through nipple manipulation and I pretended to be a girl. I remember anticipating the end of the school year, so I could sleep in my mother’s slip and not worry about being discovered in the morning when it was time to get up for school.
At about that time, I began to imagine day to day (non-sexual) situations as a girl. I looked at the Sears and Penny’s catalogs shopping for clothes. I learned to dress as a girl, but wasn’t able to do it, other than the clothes I made, and the laundry basket full of my mother’s stuff.
Those were the days when reconstructive surgery was done in foreign countries. Definitely out of this kid’s grasp. The irony and perhaps the tragedy of that is the fact, I was once feminine. I look at the pictures and I see a pretty girl.
I kept wishing for a magic spell but I knew it would never be. I think what kept me from
the proverbial black capsule (Mash 1970) was my attraction to girls. I didn’t understand my desires to be one, and I didn’t think other boys had sensitive nipples, but I learned to bury the possibilities. I was a boy and that was that.
Sex with a girl, however, was difficult. I couldn’t get an erection on demand. Kissing, and making out stirred my soul, but I dreaded the moment when I would have to perform. How could I explain that I needed to be stimulated? I needed to have my skin stroked. I needed an emotional connection. I needed to be seduced.
When I got married, I managed. Poorly, but I managed. She didn’t understand my desire to be held, or my need for nipple play. I wanted all the things from her that she wanted from me. I was the man, damn it, and I’d better be one.
Now I’m in my fifties, and I’ve rallied around the Gender Dysphoria flag. There are those, however, who question that diagnosis too. According to one school of thought, we, (most transgender MTF) suffer from a condition called Androphilia. Simply put, We sexually fantasize about being a woman, having sex as a woman, etc.
To be fair, I’m sure there are many who do that, but when I look over my life experiences I see a male with a female mind. I tried to be the man everyone wanted me to be, and I failed. I’m convinced that my Gender Dysphoria is only a symptom of XXY syndrome.
If it’s true, and I have an extra X, so many things would make sense. Including how I got all that estrogen. Now if I can only figure out what activated the X. I would do it again. I still think it’s too late for transition, but I’ve started having dreams about manly men, taking an interest in me. I would love to be seduced. I also wish I had the money for a DNA test.
On the other hand, I had a sexual dream the other night about a young, sexy girl, I’ve never met. I was myself, but performing in true masculine form. Maybe the answer is testosterone . . .
With Love, Francine
