Ramble On

Do you remember that Led Zeppelin song? I went shopping at the local thrift store the other day. Walked in the door and ran into someone I knew in boy mode. I looked at shoes and walked back out.

As a transgendered female, So much of my life is lived on the edge, it’s hard to keep track. I want so much that I cannot have. So many strings tie me to the male mode and I wonder, would I be truly happy as a female? I glance over men I come into contact with, and I’m not attracted to them. It makes me wonder how many men are truly attractive to genetic girls.

If I were to ever go through transition, Would mine, be the life of a lesbian? I’ve read and seen stories of trans girls who begin to find an attraction to men. When I think of some men like Richard Gere, I can see how it’s possible, but a lot of other men? Not a chance.

So where does this leave me? I love women. I love being one. Making the decision to transition would be easy. Having my fifty something year-old-body cooperate is another matter. So many problems—so few answers. I wore my white skirt with a black lace top and it made me feel warm and fuzzy. I wear my panties to work and I feel connected to life.

Then I run into someone in the thrift store, or I see myself in the mirror on the wrong day and want to run to the nearest drug store. Overdose on testosterone and call it a day. The truth is I will never be able to perform sexually as a man again. Without going into details, I just can’t, but if I had different plumbing . . .

Thanks for letting me ramble. I know there is no easy fix, but I’m hoping to find resolution. Maybe tonight, I will shave my beard. Maybe next week, I’ll find the money to get my teeth fixed. Maybe next year I will have lost all the extra weight. Maybe I’ll be a female when I die. If not, bury me in a black skirt and maroon button shirt. A pearl necklace with matching ring will complete the outfit. Get a professional to do my makeup and I’ll be happy.

                                           With Love, Francine.