Heterosexual-Homosexual-Bisexual?

By Francine

A while ago, I tried to imagine being gay. I work with the public and I tried to imagine kissing every man I came in contact with. I also tried to imagine being kissed by them. I’m not sure why, but I wondered if my gender identity crisis extended beyond just recreational cross-dressing.

At fourteen, I’d been dressing in my mothers clothes for years. I’d been making my own women’s fashions too, and I began to wonder what it would be like to be a real girl. Much like Pinochio’s desire to be a real boy, I embarked on an adventure.

This wasn’t a coming out event. Please understand this was 1972 and young men just didn’t do such things. Not, if they wanted to remain out of mental hospitals. I’d heard about medical procedures that would change me but I never pursued the possibility. I perused the catalogs with envy.

I found myself obsessing over it, but I never took it farther than my fantasies. After a while, I lost myself in the activities of the times. I buried my desires in a mountain of cannabis and alcoholic beverages. I discovered I lost interest in sex. Still don’t know why, but transgender issues didn’t surface during that time.

Now, years after the substance abuse. After a life lived as a heterosexual male with cross-dressing tendencies, I wonder how I would’ve lived life if I had transitioned. I would be a pioneer, but would I be attracted to males?

Yes my curiosity goes deeper, but I promised to keep from posting about those subjects here. I found myself trying to imagine being gay. Feelings rose up and the evidence is inconclusive. I can’t conceive of sex with a man, but I wonder . . . If I found myself with a real vagina I might think otherwise. Hormones would also have an effect on my brain chemistry.

I’m a transgender male, lost in a world he’d rather ignore. I want to go back to being fourteen. Back to when I had tight skin and the possibility of living life as a female was real. I can bury my cross-dressing desires. After all, I’ve done it over and over again through the years. But the possibilities no longer exist. I remain a transgender male. I will not succumb to the binge and purge cycle again.

I won’t, however, pursue surgery. There are some pretty hot guys out there, but probably not for me. I think like a woman, I always have, but it’s hard to be attracted to some of the macho attitudes I encountered. I lived as a male for all these years. I can see through the façade and I don’t have the patience.

Good luck to you ladies. May you find yourself locked in the women’s section of a high-end clothing store, and may you have the whole weekend to enjoy it.