Playing with Barbie and hanging with Girls

By Francine Keller

When I was seven or eight years old, I stayed at my grandparent’s house a lot. My aunt was seven years older than me and she had an extensive Barbie doll collection. I spent hours in her room dressing Barbie, Midge, and Skipper. She had Ken, too, but he was just the boyfriend.

One day my brother caught me playing with dolls and made fun of me. Until that time I never considered my play to be suspect and it devastated me to give it up. Later that year, for Christmas, Santa brought me a GI Joe, but it wasn’t the same.

Have you ever wondered what Joe would be like as a cross-dresser? In those days he would’ve been mustered out of the military on his ear. Poor Joe, he tried to live the macho life that was expected of him, but he had to be true to his feelings.

The more I examine my childhood, the more little incidents I find. Individually, the little fibers of my memory mean very little, but if I add them up, a theme emerges. It’s a big picture of gender confusion and desires left by the way side. Perhaps I would’ve been happier if I were a girl.

So, we ask the question: Was I born in the wrong body? No. I believe God is omnipotent and omniscient. He doesn’t make mistakes. What we are, is the sum total of environment, DNA, and experience. What we do with our personalities and tendencies is our choice. My feminine side made me a kinder, more understanding boy. I’ve been more tolerant of others because of my gender issues. Would I have been happier as a girl? Should I explore changing my gender now, when I’m approaching twilight? I’m not sure.

I feel cheated, however. I wish there had been an option. I wanted to play with Barbie. Secretly, I wanted to be Barbie. Of all the regrets that continue to add up in my life, I think the biggest one has to be, not seriously exploring this issue sooner.

I hope you find peace in your life, and joy in your choices.