My Prayer

Not, For the Faint of Heart

Playing with Barbie and hanging with Girls

By Francine Keller

When I was seven or eight years old, I stayed at my grandparent’s house a lot. My aunt was seven years older than me and she had an extensive Barbie doll collection. I spent hours in her room dressing Barbie, Midge, and Skipper. She had Ken, too, but he was just the boyfriend.

One day my brother caught me playing with dolls and made fun of me. Until that time I never considered my play to be suspect and it devastated me to give it up. Later that year, for Christmas, Santa brought me a GI Joe, but it wasn’t the same.

Have you ever wondered what Joe would be like as a cross-dresser? In those days he would’ve been mustered out of the military on his ear. Poor Joe, he tried to live the macho life that was expected of him, but he had to be true to his feelings.

The more I examine my childhood, the more little incidents I find. Individually, the little fibers of my memory mean very little, but if I add them up, a theme emerges. It’s a big picture of gender confusion and desires left by the way side. Perhaps I would’ve been happier if I were a girl.

So, we ask the question: Was I born in the wrong body? No. I believe God is omnipotent and omniscient. He doesn’t make mistakes. What we are, is the sum total of environment, DNA, and experience. What we do with our personalities and tendencies is our choice. My feminine side made me a kinder, more understanding boy. I’ve been more tolerant of others because of my gender issues. Would I have been happier as a girl? Should I explore changing my gender now, when I’m approaching twilight? I’m not sure.

I feel cheated, however. I wish there had been an option. I wanted to play with Barbie. Secretly, I wanted to be Barbie. Of all the regrets that continue to add up in my life, I think the biggest one has to be, not seriously exploring this issue sooner.

I hope you find peace in your life, and joy in your choices.

It's a Money Issue

By Francine Keller

I went shopping today. I picked out the cutest shoes you ever saw, but I left them on the shelf. I went to K-Mart and found the Plus Size department, looking for the cute shirt I’d seen on the Internet. That place is confusing. I can’t find what I’m looking for. I suppose it would be easier if I were looking for smaller sizes.

I left empty-handed, partly because I couldn’t find what I wanted. Mostly, however, I didn’t purchase anything because of financial issues.

In the past, fear of being recognized as a cross-dresser might have driven me out of the store. I rented a mailbox once, so I could purchase from online catalogs. I couldn’t have it sent to my home and have my wife get the mail. I’m happy to say I no longer fear. It’s probably still not a good idea for wife to get the mail, but I don’t care if I get funny looks.

The simple truth is, I can’t afford it. As many others, I’m the victim of the bush economy and the Obama recovery. Making ends meet has become priority one. Perhaps it’s a bad time to revisit my gender issues. When I think of all the wonderful, pretty clothes I discarded during my purging episodes over the years . . .

A Hell of a Life

By Francine Keller

If you’ve been reading this blog, then you know I’ve been exploring my past in an effort to uncover my gender issues. I’m not sure why I’m doing this now. After all, I’m fifty something, six feet tall, balding, and obese. I’m probably the least likely candidate for sexual reassignment there is. However, my feelings have resurfaced even though I know my bone structure is too large.

What is your definition of hell? Without delving into spiritual issues of faith, My definition is, wanting something bad enough you’d do almost anything to get it, even though getting it, might not be the best choice.

As a pre-teen, (before the Internet) I enjoyed dressing in women’s clothing. I felt sexy as I put on my mother’s bra and pretended to be a girl. My favorite games were make believe, and I wanted to be female.

As a teenager and young adult, I mistook my gender issues for sexual deviance but with the advent of the World Wide Web, I discovered I’m not alone. Still, I’ve struggled throughout my life to be a man and fulfill that role.

Later, I squelched my desires in order to be a good husband. I kept my feelings in the back of mind, cross-dressing in private at every opportunity. Then about three years ago, my wife announced that due to orthopedic health issues, and a lack of desire on her part, she didn’t want to have sex anymore.

It was like a death sentence or forced retirement. I didn’t want to be old, and if anything, my sexual desire had increased. Also, adding to my dilemma, I had been experiencing erectile dysfunction. In my studies since then, I’ve learned this is a symptom of HRT, so maybe my body was telling me something.

I began to explore my transsexual desires and fantasize again, but those old feelings of guilt and deviance crept back in.

It was about this time, that I met a younger woman at work. She latched onto me and the sexual tension we experienced excited the both of us. She later said she was attracted by my kindness and consideration of her feelings. We began to have an affair.

So, I ask you, does that mean I'm not a transsexual?”

Because of my attachment and responsibilities to my family, the relationship ended. It broke my heart to see her get married, especially since she didn’t marry me.

In light of the fact I’ve never told my wife about my cross dressing, gender issues, I’m still surprised I told her about my affair. Then again, I never told my lover either. Still, I wanted to be honest and I asked my wife’s forgiveness.

Now, we stay together for the family and we don’t sleep in the same room. My gender issues have surfaced and I’m left to wonder has my life been a waste? Would it have been richer if, at fourteen, I had pursued my desires to be female? I’ve always felt burdened by the male role of taking the lead, but that’s a subject for another blog.

I hope you find peace in your life, and joy in your choices.

Way to Go Tom- Good job Miriam

A Wish from the Past-Self Analysis Continued

I think I was fourteen, when my parents took me on a vacation trip, and we stopped for the night at a motel. I think I struggled with gender issues at the time, although I didn’t know what it was.

As I fell asleep that night, my thoughts were centered on how nice it would be to be a girl. I could dress in frilly clothes, nobody would expect me to be the macho guy my brother was, and I would be the one being asked instead of doing the asking for dates.

I grew up in a time when boys were expected to be aggressive and initiate a relationship. I liked girls, but I was shy, and something just didn’t feel right.

That night, I dreamed my mother gave me something she called a starter kit. Mounted on cardboard, and wrapped in cellophane, she’d given me a bra, panties, slip, pantyhose, makeup, and everything a teenage girl would need. The kit had all the things that would define me as a girl. Mom told me to try it and see if I would like being a girl.

I was elated, but I woke up. Mom was asleep in the other room, and she never showed any signs of being open-minded to the thought of my cross-dressing.

The dream I had that night lives in my memory and begins to stand out as evidence of my gender confusion. I think of that kit today and conclude I don’t have to take it for a test drive. Given the choice I think I would choose to be a woman, but it might be too late now.

Following Inclinations

Hello, I'm Francine, and I'm coming out of the closet, so to speak. I've decided to start this blog to chronicle my middle aged struggle with sexual identity. I hope you'll come along and let me know how you feel. coments are welcome, but mean spirited comments will be deleted. I warn you though, if transexuality in any form makes you uncomfortable or the reference to sex acts makes you cringe please go elsewhere.

Since puberty, I've been a heterosexual cross dresser. I don’t know what prompted me to try on that first article of women’s clothing, but I found joy and freedom in the feeling. I’ve gone through the classic purges over the years, but my inclinations keep bringing me back.

At one time, I explored the idea of surgery but I decided if I were to go through with it, I would be a lesbian because I liked girls too much. Besides I was tall and fat, not a good candidate for femininity, so I pursued my desires in secret. hense the reason you won't see many real pictures of me here.